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Getting Divorced? A List of a 50 Questions You Need to Consider

Divorce — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:47:29 +0000

Getting Divorced? A List of a 50 Questions You Need to Consider
By Carolyne Lederer

50 Things You Must Do if a Separation or Divorce is Pending

This list is offered, not as legal advice, but rather a “Tipping Point” list of information that, whether you are a man or a woman bound by traditional marriage vows, living common law, or are in any other sort of marital union, will help you to get organized. This information in no way suggests there are answers. There are none. Don’t believe anyone who says they have the answers, in books or otherwise. There are no answers. Only questions. And the very most sad part of the whole situation is that no one is able to provide you with a specific list of “questions.” When the brain is scrambled from stress and questions need to be asked, one must make a list. But what to put on the list. No one knows, at the time, how to formulate a list of questions that ultimately will require answers. The professionals can only help you if you ask the right questions. But what are the right questions? Typically the professional in whatever field will be looking to you to ask them questions. If you don’t know what questions to ask, how can you know what to ask when your brain is maybe only working on half-power?

If the breakdown or breakup has come as a surprise to you, and was not orchestrated by some sort of mutual agreement to disagree, you won’t just be “surprised,” you may find yourself, literally, in shock. Physical shock. Mental shock. It’s really no different than that dreaded phone call in the middle of the night, or the knock on the door in the middle of the night, and you just know that something awful has happened.

You may go through stages where you don’t even know where you live, cannot spell your name, and you may experience dreaded panic attacks. Likely no one told you to expect this type of reaction. But somehow you manage to get to work each day, or at least get through the day. You do all the “normal” things like grocery shopping, get gas for your car, plant a few flowers in the garden; but there is nothing normal about your new life, even if you anticipated the breakup. Fear creeps in. Particularly at night or often in the middle of the night. How will you ever survive? Somehow being busy will help a little. But it really is just a method of putting your thoughts on the back burner, hoping against hope that life will return to normal, whatever normal is, was.

The human condition is stronger than many would have us believe. You may lose your appetite. You may gain weight. You may cry in your sleep and not even know it; the residual dried tears so full of salt are the only evidence and this salt can actually burn your eye sockets. Tears are made up of many chemicals. Tears of joy produce different compounds than do tears of sadness and grief. Your hair may go gray overnight, or your hair may fall out, in clumps, or gradually, or even all at once. Stress does awful things to your body and your brain. Some days you will be so tired you will feel that you cannot get out of bed, but somehow you simply must.

Speaking of grief, you will grieve. People will say, straighten up, get over it, get on with your life. But until they have walked a mile in your shoes, do not let anyone tell you that you have no grief going on. Grief is grief. Grief is a natural experience in regard to loss. And you have loss. You have “lost a life, as in lifestyle,” as surely as if someone had died. There will be no more “family Christmas or other December celebrations,” family get-togethers, family vacations, family all together at some other family event such as weddings and graduations. Unless and until you happen to connect with someone new, your life at the moment is experiencing many shockwaves. Some people deal with it easier (not better) than others. Some go on to other relationships and never look back. Others become like vegetables, stewing in the grief pot for years. It’s fine to say don’t go there. No one would intentionally travel that road. Sometimes separation and or divorce is literally worse than death, because it can be an ongoing thing; ongoing for years with no closure in sight.

Regardless of the length of your relationship, a few months or many years, the word surprise does not nearly cover what is now going through your mind following either the decision in which you had a part or a decision someone else made for you.

It was the best of times and the worst of times. Truly “A Tale of Two Cities,” except this tale is “A Tale of Two People.”

Two people who may have thought they had a strong marriage or other relationship. Two people who trusted one another implicitly. Two people, and this aside from a union that produced offspring, who thought they would live together until one or the other passed away. Two people who looked forward to growing old together. Isn’t that the common theme that runs through the ideal marriage or relationship?

What happened? When? By now, one of you at least has decided that the marriage is over. Whether or not you have informed your spouse, your head and your heart are both someplace else and you don’t know how you will get through it all. You need a support system, but often no one will tell you that you will come to understand that a support system is hardly ever there for you. Yes you have friends. Yes you have relatives; you even have inlaws (in many marriages, whole families are involved right from the beginning). But no one can feel what you are feeling. As much as they may want to help, just like in a real death situation, no one can. In a “real” death, everyone knows that no one can feel your pain. The pain of a breakup, too, (and it is real pain) can be so physical as to be debilitating. Sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe. You mentally beat yourself up asking what you could have done differently. And you ask yourself over and over again what you did wrong. Could be that you did nothing wrong at all. These are real questions, mostly with no answers.

Your doctor cannot provide answers, neither can the clergy. Your friends can’t help other than to give you a shoulder to cry on. After the first few go ’rounds, people don’t want to hear about your situation anymore; and, they simply do not know what to say to you to assuage your heartbreak. So, somehow, go on you must. But someone needs to tell you up front, whatever help you think should be there, just isn’t there, somehow.

You will have to make decisions that you never thought about previously. Alone. Mostly you need to make decisions right now, right this minute. Somehow. How? Everyone is looking for answers: your attorney, your creditors, your family. Now. Right now. And, of course you are in no frame of mind to provide answers. Too many questions. No answers. Certainly, no good answers.

Whatever it was that caused the impending separation, you must keep your own head on straight. There are counselors, mediators; there are lawyers, there are the courts, the court clerks; there are laws. And, for the moment we are not even talking about dealing with family, and then there’s the children, a whole topic all on its own and not at all part of the discussion here. We are lead to believe throughout life that someone else will take care of us. That the system will provide answers when all else fails to produce answers. This is far from true. In real life, there is no system, and certainly no system to be relied upon. There are no answers. But there are plenty of questions. You need to make a list. Here is a list that will trigger more questions than answers, but nonetheless, since there is no other list available, at least it may help to get you started.

Let’s just deal with the “list,” of things that need to be attended to.

Who to call first – do you know?
Your home & property rights; what are your “matrimonial home rights?”
Your property rights at large
Appraisals: house, other real estate; jewelry, artwork, other valuables
What’s in your house? – Who owns what? Who bought what? At what status?
Where will you live? Will you go or will you stay?
Your responsibilities: Now and in the coming months until things are finalized?
Investment properties: Local and non-local
Investment files and portfolios: Where are they now?
Bank accounts – should you notify the banks? What does a joint account really mean? When did you last chevk the balance? Who owns “that” balance?
Special banking – mortgage and credit lines; offshore accounts
Pension funds – government and private and pre-designated notations – are they still valid?
Accountants: mine, yours, and ours – and business accountant(s)
Mediators and advocates and other advisors
Counselors: Religious, Legal, Medical, and family friends
Lawyers: Who would serve you best? What are their credentials? How would you know which one to hire?
Police, Judges and the Courts – and how you can expect to be treated
Churches and other places of worship – will they guide you? or force their rules on you?
Internal Revenue Service or Revenue Canada; non-resident taxes – will they call? Should you call them? Are you responsible for your spouses outstanding taxes?
Mortgages: Who is responsible for notifying the lender; how is a pending renewal handled? What is a buyout? What changes can you make?
Property Taxes – are they up to date? If not, who is responsible?
Disposable Assets – Cash on Hand
Mutual Liabilities -Who is responsible? For exactly what? and when?
Outstanding Contracts – did you sign? Are you now responsible?
Existing Wills and Beneficiaries; pre-bought funeral arrangements
Credit Cards (sometimes dozens of them) and Loans; furniture bought on loan money, payback not yet started
Credit Bureaus and notifications; Should you declare bankruptcy?
Publicizing – it’s in the paper, now what
Utilities
Warranties and renewals
Renewals – Driver’s licences and plates and Insurance
Automobile leases
Car loans
Business loans
Other loans
Clubs, Courses and Memberships; subscriptions
Friends and relatives; parents of your children’s friends
The animals
What will you do now? In other words, what’s next?
Should you tell your doctor? Your spouse’s doctor?
Can you plan for your future yet? Are you able to start again?
If you and your spouse work together, how will that play out?
If you and your spouse own a business together, how will that play out?
Legally, what are your responsibilities (covered again in other questions)
How will you deal with the sex assault squad if required?
How will you deal with Childrens’ Services, if required?
How will you deal with schools if applicable?
If there is more than one country of origin involved, what are the cultural rules? And how do they apply to “you?”
What proof must you provide for various infringements?
Last but not least, what about Insurance? Life Insurance: Do you know who the beneficiaries are? Who “owns” the policies? What are “your” rights? Medical Insurance: Will it continue? What responsibilities are yours? Whom to notify?

If this list and its related contents sounds overwhelming, that’s because IT IS. Make a list; make many lists. Put your list(s) in a file or envelope that you can carry with you everywhere you go. As thoughts pass through your

Written by Carolyne Lederer – copyright Carolyne Realty Corp. Thank you Carolyne.

Carolyne has been a REALTOR(r) for thirty years and has written many consumer education articles regarding buying and selling real estate. The articles appear nationwide, helping buyers and sellers get the very best value for their money.

This list is offered, not as legal advice, but rather a “Tipping Point” list of information that, whether you are a man or a woman bound by traditional marriage vows, living common law, or are in any other sort of marital union, will help you to get organized. This information in no way suggests there are answers. There are none. Don’t believe anyone who says they have the answers, in books or otherwise. There are no answers. Only questions. And the very most sad part of the whole situation is that no one is able to provide you with a specific list of “questions.” When the brain is scrambled from stress and questions need to be asked, one must make a list. But what to put on the list.

Article Source: Getting Divorced? A List of a 50 Questions You Need to Consider

Divorce Advice: Ignore It At Your Own Peril

Divorce — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:44:19 +0000

If you are thinking about divorce, don’t feel bad. The reality is that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So there’s a decent chance that you may be faced with this unpleasant experience. Although you may be feeling down, this is worst time to bury your head in the sand. What you need is sound divorce advice in order to move forward in a positive and healthy way.

Whether you are initiating the divorce or your spouse is, one piece of divorce advice is to know what your rights are. If the marriage is not reconcilable, you need to stand up for what’s in your best interest. This is especially true in cases where children are involved. Divorce is never easy, but sometimes you need to do the uncomfortable in order for the process to run smoothly and for it to conclude in a fair manner. If you don’t take the responsibility for knowing your rights and standing up for yourself now, you may end up regretting it down the road when the divorce order is very unfavorable to you.

Since each state has their own rules and regulations concerning the divorce process, your first step is to do a little research and become familiar with the divorces laws in your state. Sometimes who initiates the divorce makes a difference. Sometimes it doesn’t. Generally when kids are involved, there are certain additional procedures to keep in mind. Don’t put this step off. Knowing your rights will help you make better decisions.

Other Divorce Advice Tips To Keep In Mind:

1. If you can afford it, hire a divorce attorney. These professionals will ensure that everything is fair for you and can give you a ton of guidance on what to do to get the most favorable outcome for you.

2. Be careful with your words. During many divorces, especially ones that get messy, there’s always the possibility that your words could be used against you. Once the divorce process begins, always talk to your soon-to-be-ex spouse calmly and politely. Don’t let angered words influence your situation negatively.

3. Get everything in writing. Now is not the time to do verbal agreements with your partner. When assets and responsibilities are divided up out of the courtroom, be sure to get everything in writing.

4. Don’t use the kids as pawns. When divorce go south, there’s a tendency to place the children in the middle and use them as weapons against each other. Divorce is incredibly detrimental to the children involved, and being used as pawns will only make things worse. Act like the mature adult and realize that in the end you want to do what’s best for your kids.

Divorce can be very traumatic, especially when you are blindsided by it. But it happens almost half the time. If you are in the unfortunate scenario of having to deal with one, it’s highly recommended that you gather as much divorce advice as you can in order to make great long-term decisions.

This is not a time for you to be trusting of your soon-to-be ex-spouse, so make sure you get everything in writing. You would be surprised how quickly a verbal agreement can come apart when money and assets are involved, because you can bet that your ex is watching out for their own back side and not yours

A Look At The Final Legal Divorce Document

Divorce — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:42:22 +0000

If you have decided to end your marriage, the first step is to file for a divorce and the last step is the divorce decree. This ending process is the judge’s final judgment which includes affirmation of all agreements completed by the divorcing couple. Whether it will be based on the grounds of a fault or no fault divorce the process is quite similar.

This legal document known as the divorce decree, states that the termination of marriage is being granted. The document must be signed by the judge and the court’s clerk to consider it final. Everything written in the decree is finalized by the judge therefore both parties are obliged to follow the court’s written order. For this very reason, both partners should make sure they can agree and live up to all details pertaining to the divorce before signing the filed documents.

Five Issues Covered in the Decree

Alimony

This is what we call spousal support. This is a legal obligation where one spouse is required to support the other spouse financially. The calculation of alimony depends on the state where you live. Usually, the basis of the judge’s decision in alimony is the length of marriage and ability to support ones self.

Child Custody

This covers the legal obligation of both parents to any children. This includes financial, educational, health care, and religion. Generally, child custody is awarded to both parents to retain their legal rights to the child with one spouse listed as custodial parent.

Child Visitation Rights

It’s important that in this issue both parents are granted access to the child. Usually, the amount of visitation is the biggest bargaining chip in the divorce. Whatever the final decision is, it’s important that everything is explained to the child.

Child Support

Supporting their children is an obligation of both parents. The calculation of child support is based on a set formula. Usually, the calculation depends on the income of the non custodial parent.

Property Division

This part of the documentation covers the legal division of property and debts acquired by each spouse within the time of marriage.

It is important that both parties comply with all terms and agreements written in the divorce decree. If one party does not comply, the other party may appeal to the court and have all things reviewed by the judge.

Generally, everything is finalized in the decree. It’s important that you understand all of the details in final judgment. For more advice and legal information about this topic, you may browse our website and read other related articles that can be of great help in understanding the process of your divorce.

Do You Need to Hire a Divorce Lawyer?

Divorce — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:39:33 +0000

There are times, after you realize you have exhausted every possible method for keeping your marriage together, that divorce seems like the sanest option for you and your spouse. In many cases, divorce does not encourage a joyous response, though both parties may feel a sense of relief that closure in the relationship is imminent. Once you and your spouse have decided this is the best way to move forward, you must then decide if you need to hire a lawyer to assist in the dissolution of your marriage. While some couples may think they can divorce amicably without help, hiring a lawyer may also prove beneficial.

Do you need a divorce lawyer? If you discover your spouse has hired counsel to assist in the dissolution of your marriage, you may feel it necessary to do the same to protect yourself. If you still have misgivings, here are some reasons to consider getting an attorney.

1) A divorce attorney can help with issues involving child custody. If there are children in the picture, there will come the inevitable negotiations overs visitation, child support, and your parental rights. Especially if you or your spouse plan to move to another city or state, you could experience some tensions. Having counsel available can help with a reasonable solution for all parties involved.

2) If you own property, a divorce lawyer can help protect your assets. Did you come into your marriage with anything – real estate, jewelry, antiques – that have been in your family for generations? You might discover during proceedings that your property could leave your family’s possession. If you value such things, you may need legal support to protect your assets.

3) Paperwork can slow the divorce process, but an attorney’s job is to settle things efficiently. Even during an amicable split, a divorce can take time depending on your state’s laws. Divorce lawyers are trained to handle all paperwork involved and bring about the dissolution of your marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible. If either you or your spouse plan to remarry, this will bring some peace of mind.

4) Having a lawyer’s assistance may help ease tensions. While the mindset may conjure different image of two lawyers in heated debate over alimony and fees, the presence of divorce attorneys can actually offer you and your spouse a more comfortable environment. While it’s true the lawyer you hire will work in your best interest, he or she will also help bring the proceedings to a fair end.

If you find there are no other options for your marriage outside of divorce, hiring a lawyer to guide you will help you in this very difficult time. Depending on where you live and the laws that apply, your attorney will make the process easier.

File For Divorce – Get The Facts About Divorce!

Divorce — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:37:29 +0000

Marriage can be one of the most rewarding experiences in a person’s life, but to file for divorce can be daunting and detrimental. It causes tension between both parties and their families. It can take a major toll on all individuals involved and have effect on each lifestyle. And when there are children involved, it can have a major effect on them physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Divorce is the termination of a union, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds and matrimony between the parties. The legal process for divorce may also involve issues of spousal support, child custody and support, distribution of property and division of debt. When children are involved in divorce, just that issue alone can take a long process to resolve. At times, the result of divorce places a burden on the children who can also result in the decline of school work and the lack of interest and enthusiasm in everyday activities. When this happens, divorce support and divorce advice could also come from a school counselor amongst other qualified professionals. To talk about divorce with a professional can help them cope, because the effects of divorce can be unhealthy, emotionally and psychologically. They may appear or become distant to one or both parents. Because of the effects of divorce has on children can also place an emotional guilt on the parents.

File For Divorce- About Divorce

No one really knows what the cause of filing for a divorce may be. According to an annual study done in the U.S. by consultant Grant Thorton, estimates that the proximal causes of divorce based on surveys of matrimonial lawyers posits adultery; extramarital sex, and infidelity as being 27% of the reason of divorce. Domestic violence was 17%, midlife crisis was 13%, addictions such as alcoholism and gambling was 6% and workaholism was also 6%. The divorce rates, or statistics in the U.S., is said to be from the early age onset of people deciding to become married. It is also surmised that because one is not mature enough to understand what the married life is about when marrying at a young age, the divorce rates in the U.S. will continue to increase.

When going through a divorce, divorce support is strongly advised. This can be from family members or close family friends, who one could talk to. Also, a third party such as a lawyer is great to intervene to help both parties come to an agreement for the children, if such are involved. It is not easy discussing to children about divorce, but more importantly they need to know why their parents have come to this final decision. Divorce advice may be also beneficial in that it may also help aid the children with coping with the divorce.

File For Divorce- Considering The Final Step of Divorce

While most individuals decide to start dating after divorce court, others may find it difficult to “move on” after a tragic loss. Some also do not want to seem as if they are “moving on” too fast following a divorce. Dating after divorce court for the sake of the children,if in their custody, want to make sure that their feelings and emotions have easily subsided, before bringing a “new” individual into the home to prevent confusion. Individuals that file for divorce may want to try to reconcile their differences before taking the last resort. All in all, it is important to seek divorce advice from divorce professional if family can not involve themselves for the sake of the children. Children of divorce also want to have a chance in life to become successful without the hassle of knowing their parents are not together any longer.

10 Things To Consider If Your Marriage Is Coming To An End

Divorce — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:35:49 +0000

If you’ve decided that your marriage is over, there are a number of decisions that will need to me take, steps to be taken and emotional hurdles to overcome. Here are 10 things to consider if your marriage is coming to an end.

1. Before you proceed with a divorce, it may be worth considering a trial separation. Even if, right now, you do not expect the marriage to continue, this will allow you some breathing space from your spouse and buy you time to think and make sure it’s the only solution.

2. If you decide that the marriage is definitely over, finding a good divorce solicitor will be your next step. While the process is always easier where the split is amicable, there are likely to be parts of the process that you’ll need to fully understand and may require advice on. Divorce solicitors have years of experience in helping people in your situation, so are well worth contacting at the start of the proceedings.

3. One you’re divorced, it’s important that you make a new will. Were you to die without a will, or your old will in place, there would be a chance that your former spouse could lay claim to your assets. By making a new will, you can specify exactly what you would want to happen in the event of your death.

4. During your divorce, it will be important to close any shared bank or saving accounts you both own. Your divorce solicitors will help this to be completed amicably and fairly.

5. Ahead of, during and following your divorce, make sure your children are put first. Their best interests will need to be considered and upheld throughout the process and going forward. If you’re planning to move away to a new town, it’s important to think long and hard about the consequences for your children.

6. Once the divorce has been finalised, it’s worth sitting down and outlining a financial plan to ensure you have a lifestyle that is sustainable.

7. Whether you have been living in the married home and now need to find somewhere new following the proposed sale of the property, or you have been temporarily living in rented accommodation while the divorce was taking place, you will eventually need to think about your long-term living arrangements. This will no doubt be influenced by the outcome of your financial planning.

8. The emotional impact of a divorce can be very difficult to overcome, no matter whether you were the instigator or not, so it’s absolutely crucial that you surround yourself with friends and family that can provide the support you’ll need.

9. Staying positive about the future will also be essential to your emotional recovery. There are times during the process where the future can look pretty bleak, but by staying positive you can make your new life away from the marriage a good one.

10. There can often be a lot of bitterness and resentment when a marriage comes to an end, and while you’re unlikely to forget what’s happened, it’s important to let go of the past and avoid dwelling on negative feelings.

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